So I have been neglecting my blog lately. It has been hard to find things to be happy about and to be positive about. Don't get me wrong, there have been amazing blessings that we have received this past month, I am just having a hard time being happy about them. It is hard to get on here and pretend like I am happy and excited about things when I really just want to crawl under a rock and hide there for a while. So I feel like to get over this I need to just get it all out there so you know how I am really feeling and maybe by getting things off my chest I will be able to move on and really find things to be happy about and not feel like I am being fake about it. Who know's I might just write this and then delete the post...we'll see.
I am not going to lie this last month has been really hard with Aaron losing his job. I am a control freak and I like to have things wrapped up in a nice little box where I know what will happen and when it will happen. With not having a steady income coming in it terrifies me. Will we be out on the street? How little can I get away with paying on my bills before they turn off our electricity, take our home, or come tow away the cars? Aaron's former employer is fighting paying the unemployment and it scares me to think we might lose that too.
It has been tough being on the receiving end of charity. My kids got a Christmas because of Fantastic friends and family that left little somethings on our door. Some we knew of others we did not. I hope that those who have helped us out receive all the blessings they so greatly deserve for their generosity. I have truly been humbled and I have new empathy to those who go through rough times. I should be the one helping out my friends and family, that is what I am used to doing and it is hard to be on the other end.
I also have a hard time with Aaron being home each day. It was great to have him for the holidays when Ethan was out of school and we really didn't have a schedule but not that things are back to a schedule I feel like I have to entertain him and check with him before I do things. He does not require it but that is what I feel like doing. I don't want to ignore him but my "jobs" must go on and the house still needs to be cleaned, food still prepared, and kids off to school with or without a job. Needless to say it has been an adjustment.
My walls are closing in around me. I am completely done with this snow. I am ready to get out and go for walks and meet friends at the park and just get out. I miss socializing with other people. I love my new calling in primary but I went from knowing everything to knowing nothing, that for me is a major adjustment. I guess I just want to know that I am still needed and loved, and talking and getting involved with others helps me with that. I have a hard time being motivated to get out and talk to people. I feel like there is an elephant in the room, most people know of our situation and I feel like sometimes they try not to talk about it, but we both know it is there, kinda awkward. I feel like I am not the most positive person to be around right now and maybe people don't want to be around me because I am just not myself.
Blah, Blah, Blah...I am trying. I am trying to get out of bed each morning and find something to look forward to, at least I get out of bed right? I do need to be more positive. I need to look for the blessings that I receive each day from a loving Heavenly Father. I do have a good support system with family members looking out for us and praying for us each day. I also have the BEST friends a girl could ask for. Friendship does not cost money and I need to be a better friend and look for others that I CAN help and stop focusing on what I can not do. I still have a house. I still have heat. I still have food. I still have a husband that loves me and takes care of me and that needs my support right now. I have to stay positive for my kids, for my husband, for me.
Thanks for letting me vent. Thanks for listening. REALLY, if any of you need anything, please let me know...they say that serving others is the best way to forget yourself. So here I am...
Hopefully I will get back on track and update some pictures. The cutest blog on the block is down right now so my blog looks pretty basic...maybe this week I will get back into the swing of things and post some pictures.
Love to all... Alisha
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22 comments:
Remember this girl up in Cache Valley loves ya! Hang in there, we all need you! I miss being around ya!
Sometimes life sucks, doesn't it?
Man, I'll put you to work. Come on over! Ha ha ha!
When did you get put in Primary?
Thanks for sharing your heart, it takes courage, something we all need to have more of! Especially me!
I am glad you have someplace to "vent." I am so sorry you are having a rough time right now but don't ever think of yourself as a bad friend or being alone. I/we may not know exactly what you are going through but I think everyone has had at least a moment of uncertainty in lifef to feel depressed about.
I am always just two floors down if you ever need someone to talk to or adult (non Aaron) interaction. You are one of my best friends simply for the fact that you are always there when I need someone to watch Jerimiah eventhough I feel like I never do anything for you.
You are always in our thoughts and prayers (and I truly mean that). Come on down whenever you need someone to talk to.
Could I say "DITO" loud and clear!!!! I want to just yell it to the world- hear me out- I feel so similar!!! It is hard for me to socialize still because of the "elephant" and also because if is hard for me to stay positive and happy also. I am tired of having the time and no money when my husband is home. I am tired of having NO SCHEDULE AT ALL because Brad is home and it simply just doesn't happen. I don't even have a kido in school to give us some type of schedule... So life is COMPLETELY in the air. Our Chrsitmas was the same all from family and friends, people I know and people I don't. It is so hard to be on the recieving end of things. Drives me nuts, but I am incredibly thankful for it! I feel we are recieveng blessings daily but I really want so badly to be back in my box when I did know what was happening and what was going to happen and when it was going to happen. Ugh... Well Alisha if it makes you feel better, you did do me some service by posting this and letting me vent also! And honestly, I don't know what I would have done from the beginning of all of this if you had not helped me through this and letting me know what you were going through. YOU ARE NEEDED AND LOVED ALISHA!!! You are awesome! I really appreciate you being so open about the situation- if anything, it is helping me out A TON!!!!
You do still help your friends- you help me all the time:) I'm glad you vented- it really does help. I hope you know that you can always vent to me and I won't think you're whiny or not grateful. It is a tough thing and I know you guys will get through it. If you need anything- let me know. Even if it's just to hang out! I could always use my Ethan fix- I never see the kid anymore! He's all grown up. And just send Aaron Mike's way to play some nerdy computer game! That'll keep em' occupied for hours!!!!
Love you!
You are very brave! It is very hard to even show what you are going through and I completly agree with you 100%! It sucks! Believe me I know! Let me know if I can help in any way and we would love to see you guys! Wish I could be more in a position of service!
Alish- Iamnotgoingtohaveanyspacesinthisbecausemyspacebarisstuck.Sopropstoyouifyougetallthewaythroughreadingthiswithoutbailingoutbecauseyou'rebugged.OhmygoshIdon'tevenknowifIcanhandlelookingatthis.Sheesh.Khereitgoes.MysisterupandmovedwithherfamilytoKansaswhenherhusbandwasofferedajobthere.Longstory,companylaidhimoff...andtheywerestuckinnowhere'svilleKansaswithoutajob.Italkedtomysisteralmosteverysingledayassheventedandcriedaboutthesame things you wrote about.(Hey look at that- spacebar works!I don't know if I'm going to have the energy to go back and space all the words out above... ugg..)
Anyway, in that small town it took them a YEAR to get a new job.. it was long and hard and I can't even tell you how bad I hurt for them. So I totally feel for you too. Point is that even though it took a year, during that time they witnessed so many miracles as people helped. Sunny (my sister) told me how she saw everyone around them practicing the law of consecration in order to keep them afloat. It was faith building to say the least.
Now he has found a job and I'm pretty sure it's the best job he's had thus far. So even though the road is rocky and sucky- there is so much good that will come from it. I know it. Maybe this is the way that will lead your family to the best possible outcome, even though it's hard to see at the beginning.
I've never known my sister to be as happy as she is now after that long road. Know that even though you may not see that light at the end of the tunnel, it's there, and probably greater than you could imagine.
In the meantime I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Worries weigh a ton. Please let me know if there's ANYTHING I can do. I'm not just saying that. I will seriously be expecting your call.
Love ya.
Hey Alisha: So sorry. You're one of my absolute favorite people in our complex simply because of how open and honest you are. I love it, and I know so many people can relate and learn from you. I think everyone goes through their "elephant" in the room-type-circumstance. Believe me! And if we all shared our stories all along the way, we would all be more strengthened and comforted. I think so many people want friends, and want to be a friend, but aren't sure "how" to go about it. I love socializing and being with people, and I felt also like Primary took me out of the loop. The kids are wonderful; it's just a different experience. I haven't been to church in over a month, so I'm way out of the loop! It's only b/c Annabelle is at such a challenging age, and I hate feeling like I don't get anything out of it. I just need to go regardless, and let the chips fall where they may. Because I really miss talking to everyone, and having a social life here. That's like the number 2 reason I go to church (other than the sacrament)! You are always going out of your way to be a friend, and I think we can all look to you as an example. Hang in there!! And keep writing :)
I so wish there was something I could do to change your situation. It must be so frustrating and I feel for you. You are such a strong person and a good friend. You will be blessed for that. Life just plain stinks sometimes and there is no better explanantion then that! Come hang out with me anytime I love having you around!!
I sometimes laugh at myself because I want so badly to be the perfect wife/mother/friend and I am so far from it. But I feel like if I can write about my "perfect" life on my blog than maybe it will be true! So thank you for being real and honest and letting everyone know that it's ok to be frustrated and feel like your life isn't perfect. I know that you like to have control and there are times when we have to hand over the "reins" to Heavenly Father and say, "Here you go, you lead the way." There have been times like that in my life and it is hard to not know what will happen in the future but you are so awesome that you are trying to be positive and make the most out of the situation. I will keep you in my prayers! HUGS!
i wish so badly i could help, life BITES BIG AND HARD!! I miss you and I have a big fat smile on my face for you! *Pinch your bum!*
There is a difference between enduring and enduring well.
It's funny, but I rejoice in afflictions (usually later on). Sometimes it's hard and I certainly don't pray asking for more-but they are necessary to humble and prove us. They help us understand ourselves by becoming acquainted with our weakness and strengths. Ether 12:6.
You are great! All my love!
Alisha, I love you! MoM
oh alisha...I just want to take it all away. I don't have any pearls of wisdom....cause lets get honest...I have no wisdom! I do however have an ULTRA pathetic social life.....
:( But look at all the friends you have! Please DO come visit. I feel like I've been away from everyone for SO long. We're finally over the flu! Call me:) I'm here 99.9% of the time. And let's plan another girls night, for reals!
Alisha-
I'm thinking about you often. Just think, we have bookclub in a week! That always lifts spirits!
Whitney
Alisha,
Thanks for getting to know my name and being so friendly. It's hard in a new place. I hope things get better for your family soon. -Jessica Cox
jjcoxfam4@yahoo.com (we've got a private blog if you want to be invited)
I LOVE YOU. You are one of the smartest, most compassionate people I know and I am crying right now over this post and wish I would have read it earlier. You know I know how you feel and don't feel bad about saying it. IT SUCKS! We are totally praying for you and want to help in any way. We'll call you again for dinner--and maybe even give you more time to consider it. :) Keep remembering the blessings and I'll have Chris call you guys and give you the low-down on all the govt subsidies we used! :)
This is so hard. I hate it when "life happens". I totally know how you are feeling too, the last couple months have been SO hard for us...and it feels like when it rains, it pours. We just barely feel like we are starting to come out of it. Like other people said, I'm sure blessings will come out of this, but it's hard to see them when you're right in the thick of it. I hope things turn around soon. We'll be thinking of you. :)
My dear sweet neighbor... I have loved reading all the wonderful things about you because, those are all the things I see to! You and Aaron have been such a HUGE blessing to my family and I know that I am right next door to you, because I needed you!!! I know, that you already know I am here for you... we both have been busy a lot lately, but you are never far from my mind!
I want to say ditto you your mom.... I love you!!! You are an amazing woman... things will look up and these past days will be but a blur. As a very wise woman said to her son..."Cheer up Charlie". I know Heavenly Father is mindful of you and He has blessed all of us with the ability to strengthen you and your family. Once again, I love you, I love your family... know that I am just a wall away...
holy CRAP, I am really behind!!! I look at my blog almost every day hoping someone has posted something, LAME-O I know, but look at you, you have 20, now 21, comments on you blog, from ALL different people. and not just people, but people WHO LOVE YOU!!! No one will let you live on the streets, no one will let you go without food. you have way to many of us watching you to let that happen. Things will get better, they always do, you know that i am sure, but it's always a good reminder. and again can I say HOLY CRAP you are the comment recieving queen, all hail to QUEEN ALISHA!!!!! and remember when we're in heaven it will be HI-5's all around and a big party, because things like this didn't get us down, we kept going and we spat on Satan's face-PATUEY!!!! Love ya ALISHA, sorry I've been hiding since I was put in YW's. Come visit sometimes.
Alisha, seriously you are an amazing woman. It's no fun getting used to the MAJOR changes the loss of a job brings. I love you and seriously would do anything to help, as I know you would do for me.
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